Monday 29 December 2014

Idle Time

Studio order line, would you like to place an order?
I am unable to hear you, maam, please speak a little louder
Have you shopped with Studio or Ace before?
I'm sorry, we don't take payments over the phone anymore

You misplaced your account number, may I take your postcode please?
You live offshore, you will have to pay an offshore carriage fees
May I have your address and full name for confirmation
Thank you, Mrs Smith, for the information

Now, Mrs. Smith, may I take the first item number
This item will be delivered by the 26th of December
The next item you ordered is a clutch bag with flip lock
I'm terribly sorry, the item is temporarily out of stock

Is that all? Well, before you go, may I say
We have some special offers for you today
We have a pack of twenty batteries for two pounds ninety nine
Shall I order five packs for you? Not interested? That's fine.

We also have a superbike turnover calender for you
And one last question before I send your order through
Would you be interested in a further 10% discount
It will cost you forty pence per week on your account

Not interested again, Mrs Smith? That's fine
Thank you for calling Studio order line

Wednesday 24 December 2014

Contempt

How fleeting this world to me
How insignificant its ambition
How vain its proud flattery
Of heaven and damnation

I blink and you have passed
From glory into nothingness
Your race is run, your die cast
Only I remain, nothing else

I exist, like the Cosmos, from the very start
I witness events both glorious and infernal
In the chaotic melodies I embed my heart
And give my love to all that is eternal

You put your faith in a collective lie
You exist, you suffer, and then you die
Tell me, mortal, what need have I
My contempt for you to justify?

Saturday 20 December 2014

Adieu

The Earth's poles may make a handsome pair
But they're destined for separation from the start
Their unity results only in widespread despair
Harmony exists only when they're apart

God, Fate, Nature, all to me seem to say
Your story will end in naught but tears
For I am the night, and you the day
We are opposing hemispheres

Let us attain the heights that we can
Let us on our individual lives embark
Let us remember this day, when we began
Our orbit, albeit in separate arcs

I cannot be altered, this alone I must be
And I would never wish for you to change
I have my wings too, let me fly free
I must find mine, and you your range

Onwards, my friend, scale your peaks
And know that I'll always pray for you;
To you not my brain, but my heart speaks
And with these words, it bids thee a fond adieu

Wednesday 17 December 2014

Waiting for Lethe

As I lay stricken, the evening sun streamed through the window, the only source of light in my swiftly darkening room. The light fell upon a pile of dirty clothes. Nature itself was bent on showing me my ineptitude, it seemed.

I glanced around in the gloom. I could see the layers of dust lying on my bookshelf, proof of weeks of neglect. My books, my most worthy possessions, even they were not exempt from my neglect, from my laziness. If I could not find time for even them, what purpose did I serve by living? I had no friends. I was not made for friendship. And those few that possessed the tolerance to cure me of my solitude, I had successfully managed to repel and repulse with my impossible expectations. I constantly demanded perfection of them while maintaining that I owed them nothing in return. It was only now -    lying crippled as I was with no hope of recovery – that I realized that I did not want friends. Indeed, quite the opposite. I wanted mirrors. Everywhere I sought after what I already had within myself. I wished to see myself reflected back to me. And those that did it best, I called my friends.

Tell me, is there any purer form of self love?

I snorted in disgust at myself. There is no easier way to change a stubborn man’s opinion than to place him on his own deathbed and to leave him in solitary contemplation. The death bed is a curious entity. It somehow encapsulates both a space and a fragment of time. Once in that capsule, no matter how pliant or rigid his beliefs heretofore, the death bed renders man’s mind a clean slate. Every single value he has held as worthy will come under the most severe scrutiny in his final moments. It is no surprise that man oft wishes for a swift and unexpected death. It is not, as is commonly believed, because man is afraid of the pain he will face. Oh, no, no. Mankind has a much higher tolerance for pain than he himself wants to believe. But it is this questioning of beliefs that he wants to avoid. Every man subconsciously knows that he cannot be one hundred percent sure of the righteousness of his beliefs. He may have stood sturdy as a pillar, immovable in his faith in that ideal, but in those final moments, he cannot help but think, “What if I am wrong?” All activities he carries out before his death are a desperate attempt to conceal this doubt.

Well, this phenomena happens to the best of men. What chance did I stand?

Every noble cause I had propagated, every high morality I had preached, seemed hollow and superficial to me now. Only one prospect loomed large, towering over every other concept, dwarfing every other thought in profundity, whether physical or metaphysical. The prospect of final annihilation.

When man travels along the edge of the precipice of the abyss, when he sees nothing before him but a vast, unconquerable, insurmountable, impenetrable darkness -  when he is struck by the knowledge that he will inevitably topple over and descend into that horrific unknown  - how is he expected not to spend every moment preceding that in mortal dread of exactly that occurrence? It is the greatest feat of our subconscious that we are allowed to live our lives more or less ignorant of the magnitude of the fear that really resides within all of us. But at the very end of the journey, just when we need it the most, our subconscious gives way. It succumbs to the overpowering torrent of fear that reawakens at the sight of the abyss. And the torrent, building in pressure over a whole lifetime, sweeps all other emotions before it and deposits them unceremoniously into the dark recesses of our mind. They become the flotsam and jetsam of the mind, the unwanted residue that takes up space and pollutes the waters. Our mind is working overtime at this point, trying to fathom what it cannot. Trying to grasp what is not tangible. A person is the wisest he has ever been right before he dies.

Such was my state. Even as the final rays of the sun flickered out and my room was shrouded in darkness, I felt a chill creep up my spine. I stared at the dark shadow of the door, half expecting to see Death walk in through the gloom. I was ready, that’s for sure, as ready as I would ever be. I had stagnated, and I counted myself amongst the lucky one’s who did not have to see themselves degenerate into mediocrity, but who would perish pretty much at their peak.

However, my mind refused to lie still. It sensed, just as I did, that its time was up. But it did not choose the path of “dignified repose” as I had often dreamt it would during my morbid musings about my own end. On the contrary, it seemed determined to cram in a lifetime of thinking within these last few moments.

It flitted instantaneously back to my childhood, my incredibly pampered upbringing. It dragged from the dregs of my memory the image of the young, innocent, scared little boy whose whole universe was his family and who neither dreamt nor wished to dream of anything outside the realm of his relatives. Those same relatives who today did not know of his whereabouts or his state. The same family that had become estranged and had not spoken or indeed attempted to speak to him in years.

It highlighted, much to my discomfort, the irony that it was my own family that had pushed me to grow wings of my own. Where I would have been happy to lie safe in the nest for the rest of my life, my parents and siblings decided that it would not do, I needed to grow up, I needed to be responsible, I needed to be a man. Well, once shunted down that path, I can at least say to my credit that the job was well done. Too well done, it seems. Now, at the end, I look back and find no one to weep for me.

In the words of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein:
The path to my departure is free. There are none to lament my annihilation.

 Glorious independence indeed!

Night has fallen, and still I wait,
I wait patiently for Death,
For the waters of Lethe to satiate
My heart, to let my brain forget
The woeful tale that life narrates
From birth until my dying breath

As the darkness grew absolute and I seemed to exist in nothingness, my mind took the opportunity to jump to more profound topics. What, for instance, is the best way to go about life? Should one be fearless, Hedonistic, Hellenistic, Moralistic, Amoralistic, Nihilistic or – and I shuddered at the prospect -  is ignorance the path to a happy life? What if the philosopher on the ivory tower, searching the skies for any hint of treasures, misses out precisely because his eyes are turned upwards? Those lowlies whose eyes, and indeed whose beings are forever in the filth, may one day while frolicking about happen upon the treasure that lay concealed beneath the filth.

I chided myself for allowing my mind to wander into such dangerous areas. This line of thought threatened to invert my whole sphere of existence. And normally I used to place myself at the head of the sphere, at the top. If I were wrong, and if it were in fact inverted, then that would mean…

No. It would not do to think this way.

What was the time? How long had I been lying here? Why was I still living? Would Life wait till I had completely exhausted every possible outcome of every possible question before it finally left me? Is that what Death is, the exhaustion of all possible thoughts from the human mind? Does that make reality solely dependent on the functioning of the collective consciousness?

What did these musings have to do with me? Nothing and everything, it seemed. The beauty of universal questions had struck me many times in my lifetime, however their downside was only just beginning to make itself known. Universal questions, as the name suggested, applied to everyone, but because of that very reason, also applied to no one. There was no way to make a universal question an individual one without perverting its meaning. And this close to the end, I had neither the patience nor the inclination to consider the fate of anyone else in existence but myself.

The dogs howl outside my window in a ferocious lament. They know what is coming as well as I, those wonderfully instinctive creatures! How my heart craves to howl with them, How I wish to give vent, to share my final thoughts with the world, so that I may leave some semblance of my existence in the memory of people. The frightful tower looms before me again, it seems doubled in size and menace. The prospect of my annihilation now took on a more terrifying form. It dawned on me that my solitude had allowed my every trace to be removed. I spoke to no one, and so no one would remember me. When I died, my death would be reported, recorded, investigated, dismissed, filed, classified and put away in a drawer. My whole life would be reduced to a label on a file that would never be opened again. In short, oblivion.

I weep. Breaking every promise I had made myself all my life, I weep. What is man’s will in the face of such unquestionable challenges? Some may possess the strength, though I personally doubt it, however I say without any shame whatsoever, that I have been reduced to a quivering mass of flesh. Death scares me. Oblivion scares me. Nothingness scares me. It seems to me that even the Biblical hell would be a relief to me now. At least I would exist! If not anyone else in the Universe, at least I would have myself to speak to, to feel for, to pity!

Bah! Look at me. The man who did not believe in God, who did not believe in the existence of a soul, here I lie, retching, vomiting, wishing for hell, fulfilling my own prophetic self comparisons to Faustus to a degree which I myself would never have expected.

The shadow of the door, lost long since to the darkness, suddenly becomes slightly discernible again. My eyes blink, doubtfully, searching through the dark to get its bearings. It is the door indeed. What can this mean?

A cock crows. Dawn is come!

As the light slowly fills the room, bringing to life one by one objects that I had bid farewell to for all eternity, my heart is overcome. It is overladen with horror, fear, misery and bitterness.

Dawn! A new day! Death had not arrived. Accursed wretch! To condemn me to another day of existence! What sins had I committed to warrant such a fate? Why must I be consigned to live and relive my whole life in my mind over and over again? Was one lifetime not enough?

As always, when a soul cried out in profound grief, the Gods remained silent.

I would have to live through another day. Another day of torment, lying in wait. Waiting for Lethe.

Saturday 13 December 2014

Aeternum Bellum

Over the ages, over the course of history, over the course of life on this planet, there has been only one constant. War. It began at the minutest level, on a cellular level. The first single celled organism, finding nothing else to wage war against, turned upon itself and tore itself into two. Today, we call it reproduction. It was merely, in fact, the cell obeying the eternal law. If you live, you war.

As life evolved, so did the forms of war. Life came into contact with life. Both were subject to the same laws, both must war. And so it was inevitable, in fact, it is surprising that it took as long as it did, for life to begin its war against its counterparts. There developed a different kind of organism. One that needed another’s life to be sacrificed in order to keep on living. This branching off had seismic repercussions. We may trace our Warring instincts’ lineage directly through the ravages of time all the way to this crucial point. From this organism developed the herbivore, then the carnivore, and at last, the all-consuming omnivore. Everything that lived was eventually locked into an eternal chain of predator-prey, predator-prey. This dynamic shaped not only the direction of the organism’s evolution, but along with it shaped the very landscape of this planet. The world as we know it would not exist if this unquenchable drive for war was not omnipresent in all of existence.

But here, Life pulled out a wonderful weapon. It turned this very instinct to its advantage. It had bided its time, waiting for exactly the right moment to stage its ambush, and when the moment arrived, what a marvel it was to behold! A coup that Napoleon or Hannibal or even Genghis Khan would have been proud to claim as his own. Life used War for progress. It turned the instinct for war into a disinfectant. It used War to weed out the weak, to cleanse the species of its freaks. It had discovered “natural selection.” Where War strove for destruction, it found it was only strengthening Life. The strong, now freed from the burden of the weak, bounded ever faster and higher, dodging death nimble footed wherever they went. The species accelerated their evolution, and Life flourished. A masterstroke executed to perfection.

The Warring instinct found itself at war. It had met a worthy foe at last. It was at war with Life. A war that, as yet, shows neither indication nor inclination of ending. Aeternum Bellum.

Up until now, the whole of war was based upon two base instincts, sustenance and reproduction. Even up until man was yet a caveman, in the Palaeolithic era, it was still these same two drives that did the donkey work for the Warring instinct. But here, a novelty made its appearance. Life sensed its own position of dominance and sought to finish off the Warring instinct. And thus, Life produced Reason.

At its inception, it still served merely as a tool to ease the acquisition of sustenance and to achieve reproduction. It was not an open threat to the warring instinct. Life observed gleefully as Reason slowly but surely worked its magic over our species. We began using tools, building shelters, forming clans, developing social systems, languages, identities. We started transcending bestial behavior. Within no time at all, or so it seemed, we had risen so far above the rest of evolution that we had managed to banish the insecurity that was the root cause and loyal agent of both manifestations of the Warring instinct. Man had almost completely removed the risk involved in his obtaining food. He had escaped the fatal dual dynamic of predator-prey. And man had also developed his social system to a point where a feud over a female did not always result in a physical confrontation. Indeed all forms of physical confrontations came to be branded as evil. And War being the most sublime forms of confrontations, it was by default viewed as the most sublime form of evil. Life had thus dealt a double blow. It had kicked War while it was down, and dealt it what some may call overkill.

One may at this point be wondering just why War sat quietly gazing on while Life leaped from strength to strength, developing and perfecting its techniques over millions of years. One may even assume that Life had broken the Warring spirit. Life had triumphed after all. If you thought that, you certainly were not alone. Life itself shared your view, and flourished and multiplied with all the pomp of a new King spraying the contents of his treasury to his peasants.

Nay, you do dishonor to the immortality(and also, immorality) of War if you so blindly narrow its scope. War was not dead. War cannot be, as long as Life exists.

What Life had in exuberance and gusto, it lacked in experience. What Life failed to realize is it was at war with War. It was playing at a game that it was not suited for. It may have won some battles and put up a respectable show, but it was up against a veteran, an expert. One whose entire existence centered around this interplay of predator and prey.

War managed to execute an inversion of such exactitude that the phenomena would pretty much define the concept of poetic justice for the rest of eternity.

It watched, reservedly, as Reason blunted its two most potent weapons, hunger and lust. It suffered the ignominy of being branded as impotent by Life, and it still held its silence. If Life had not by now been bloated with arrogance, it would have found the silence of its opponent disconcerting. What weapon did War possess that allowed it to stand almost nonchalant in the face of Life’s burgeoning display?

It had foresight.

Mankind, spurred on by the ideal of Life and Reason, forgot one key fact. War was a big reason it had reached this point in the first place. Life itself could not flourish without War. When Reason elevated itself to the point where it exiled War from its domain, it unwittingly removed its antibody. Life had lost its disinfectant.

At first, Life exploded with all the jubilance of an animal freed from a cage. Everywhere, progress, no longer hampered by destruction, accelerated to an almost almighty pace. Technology overtook everything and transported man into a world which he himself could not have imagined a mere century ago. New cultures, new ideologies, new beliefs, new philosophies sprang up all over the place. Mankind had conquered the Earth.

But Man was not ready for these heights. He was an untimely occupant of the throne and his stomach was not strong enough. When Man was under the influence of the Warring instinct, he was by necessity hardened, strong, weather beaten, almost invincible. Since the banishment or, to use a religious term, the exodus of the Warring instinct, Man had lost his skill for self preservation. He had gone soft. The body, rid of its antibodies, was now vulnerable to any form of disease.

Disease and stagnation indeed struck Man, and with an almighty blow at that. The origin of Reason was at core a reaction against the Warring instinct. As such, its essence consisted of an ideology that was antithetical to War. The only philosophy that could possibly emanate from that core was the idea of everybody having a “right to life”.

This, then was the masterful inversion that War pulled off. Life had used the Warring instinct to make War work to Life’s benefit, using it to clean away the weak or the flawed while Life itself went from strength to strength. Now War, by removing itself completely, and indeed encouraging Life on its path, set in motion a sequence of events that we are still living out now.

What War foresaw was this:

Life, even at its best, produces a mass of herd consciences, or undermen, and only a smattering of leaders, or Overmen. By preventing War from culling the worst of the undermen, indeed, by preserving and enhancing the breed of the undermen under the guise of charity, Life had tipped the scale completely over to the undermen’s side. They now ran free, larger in number and louder in voice than all of the Overmen.  Formerly, it was the Overmen, guided by the light of Reason, who had successfully kept War at bay. The intricate balance that exists between freedom and prudence was maintained with much difficulty and force of will. However, with the onslaught of undermen in ever rising tides, the Overmen had eventually to give way. This epoch was called Democracy.

How War cackled in glee when he heard this term!

Democracy was the victory of decay, of diminishment, of the process of becoming mediocre and of the loss of values. And it was celebrated as the pinnacle of civilization! Ah, the irony!

Before long the suicidal path that Life had set itself on, hand in hand with Reason, began to show its true colors. The undermen claimed equality with the Overmen. And since the undermen were greater in number, this essentially put the Overmen out of commission in every Democracy.

The herd.

One does not give them the name lightly. Their behavior indeed indicated a form of atavism. The herd mentality aped the bestial behavior that Reason had labored so long to transcend. They had reverted to type. They had become animals again.

This, War foresaw, and this was what it was waiting for. When all of mankind was degenerate enough, when the morality and ideology of mankind had become so disease ridden that it could no longer muster up a spirited resistance, War revealed itself in a new avatar, and stepped back into the arena.

Hunger and lust had failed War. It now took up new minions. Where its predecessors had succeeded due to the element of necessity (both food and reproduction are essential pillars of existence), the new minions of War achieved unprecedented amounts of success with possibly the simplest method of all: Overwhelming the opposition with numbers.

War, the wily General, identified the Overmen as the greatest threat to its cause, and directed the will of the undermen to oppose them. Wherever, on Earth, an Overman arose, he was countered by multitudes, literally droves of undermen bent on nothing else but to quell his glory. Overmen were being singled out and destroyed, picked apart by the ruthless, thoughtless mob. Life teetered on the brink of the abyss. War watched on impassively, the hint of a smirk on its face.

But then one of those queer incidents took place that, though insignificant in themselves, and by no means unique, end up influencing the entire course of history.

In a country where the herd instinct had found its true home, the whole populace of which identified themselves with the “virtues” of discipline and obedience, there existed an Overman. In physique and in health, he was far from superior; however his intellect towered not only above the herd, but even the other Overmen, whether in history or posterity. This Overman, grimacing in disgust at being forced to witness the degeneration of mankind from a civilized species, back into an anarchic beast, encountered a force that had remained hidden from the battlefield of War and Life. The force had only been discovered at all because of the invention of Reason. A force that neither War nor Life had reckoned with, and consequently, neither knew the potential of. The Overman met Idea.

Influenced, almost compelled by this new force, the Overman gave shape to the idea. The Idea that was invisible to all but him till now, was suddenly accessible to the whole world.

The profundity, the elevated nature, and sheer brilliance of the Idea shook War out of its stupor. Dismayed at the force of will of this new opponent, it bent all its energies into destroying the source. It turned upon that greatest of Overmen. The herds gnashed their teeth and stamped their hooves and champed at the bit. They railed and protested and picketed and rioted. They ostracized, stigmatized, terrorized, falsified, calumnized. Not even the Overman could withstand such a relentless torrent. His intellect, stubborn in the face of this unstoppable force, finally broke, and the Overman spent his last years in an asylum. Nietzsche had been overcome.

But what’s this? The Idea still remains? The mob, spurred on by the accumulated confidence of their successes, unites as one to wipe Idea off the face of the Earth, but try as they might, they cannot lay a hand on it. They have nothing to swing their swords at, nothing to set their torches to. Nothing tangible. The Idea was a concept in the mental sphere. The herd by definition had no inclination towards mental exercises. It was a foreign and inaccessible land, and they stood there, helpless.

War bellowed with rage, it turned man upon man, herd upon herd, culture upon culture, community upon community. Everywhere mankind turned, he was engaged in a battle of some form. Destruction and chaos reigns. Out of the blue, Nature, the spectator aeternum, finally weighed in. With one fell swoop, all of Creation was brought down to its knees. The Earth, tilted on its axis, almost as a head bowed in reverent shame. A lesson learnt. Life slunk away back to the depths of the oceans and the recluse of hidden caves. War stood supreme, serene, surveying the landscape, or what was left of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amongst the rubble, a single boy stirred. He gazed, dumbfounded, at the spectacle he beheld. His whole world, the only world he knew of, had ceased to exist. All that remained were haunting remnants and morbid memories. Weeping with grief, he scoured the landscape that spelled only oblivion.

Why had he survived? What was his purpose? Was there even any such thing as purpose? Was not everything that mankind had ever worked for taken away by their own stupidity? Was mankind’s biggest mistake the fact that they assumed life had a meaning?

He collapsed onto the dusty marble floor, the remnant of some grandiose structure no doubt. Leaning his back against a crumbling wall, he quaked in fear and remorse. Fear of losing his sense of existence and identity, and remorse for the lunacy of his species. Of such vastness was the emotion he felt.

And there, right before him, it lay. Covered in soot, hardly recognizable and obscured even further by his streaming tears, lay the book. Slowly, almost mechanically, he picked it up and swept the dust off its cover.

The title read, "Freidrich Nietzsche - Beyond Good and Evil"

He opened the book and began to read. And thus in the boy of fifteen, the Idea was brought alive again.

Friday 12 December 2014

The Voodoo Doll

Was the Deius first personified
Or a man first made a Deity
Did I have to know that mankind lied?
Just as all seemed fine and I'm pain free
Jab another pin, jab another pin in me

Is love the sole aim of our lives
The goal of all humanity
Is it just I to whom this seems contrived?
Just as all seemed fine and I'm pain free
Jab another pin, jab another pin in me

What happens once a man lies perished
What proof exists of the soul's divinity
Why must I outgrow everything I've cherished?
Just as all seemed fine and I'm pain free
Jab another pin, jab another pin in me

Who flies with me those airy heights
Where none but the strongest eyes can see
Must there be a passenger to every flight?
Just as all seemed fine and I'm pain free
Jab another pin, jab another pin in me

They tell us of man's fall from grace
When he ate off the Forbidden tree;
What? Ignorance to take honour's place?
Just as all seemed fine and I'm pain free
Jab another pin, jab another pin in me

Give me the serpent, give me the fruit
Give me wisdom, Give me the tree
What care I if you don't follow suit?
Hark, human! I am the picture of serenity
Do your pins the honour, jab another one in me

Friday 5 December 2014

Rukhsheen



Paradise is lost, t’is oft claimed

Morality withered and honor maimed

The tree of life, once stately and proud

Now wears its morbid blackened shroud




As far as my tired eye can see,

There lies evidence of humanity

Naught strikes my view but desolation

Fiery, fiendish, fatal conflagration




But hark! Amongst this desert bare

I hear a voice, “Halt! Who goes there?

What voice lilts thus above the din?

Show yourself, Sorcerer, whatever guise you’re in.”




Behold! The darkness, where has it gone

Whence comes this light, riding swift upon

That chariot of Heavenly light that brings

Fair countenance to the most foul of things




Sand and dust, under her brief toil

Is transformed into the most fertile soil

And the seeds that are planted therin

Rival Eden, indeed the two worlds are akin




T’was not so, how then, it comes to be

That from the very brink of insanity

A fair hand pulls me back into the light

And makes a fool of this Faustian erudite?




I bow to thee, fair muse, contrite

I prithee, by thine divine light

Guide this fool as thou hath often done

Chase away the night, be my sun




The world seems like a less scary place

When I see you and your smiling face